Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Something I need to share.

This is my journal.
This is my scrapbook.
This is where I document memories...both good and bad.
So, I need to write about this.
Writing this down feels healing.

In short, we lost our tiny baby last week.


On October 16th we found out we were pregnant.
Expected to arrive around June 20th.
We were thrilled!

A month passed and everything seemed normal.
We were busy caring for our foster baby and parenting a feisty toddler.

On Friday, November 16th we went to our first midwife appointment.
I was 9 weeks pregnant.
We were planning to tell Ben's family that night at dinner.
During the ultrasound, my midwife seemed quiet.
She asked if I could've been wrong on my dates.
The baby measured at 6 weeks.
Though there was a heartbeat, our baby wasn't growing.

We brain stormed for a few minutes on dates...
how it could be possible to be 3 weeks off.
It was all a stretch. 

We made an appointment for the following Friday,
hoping we'd see growth.

I came home and grieved.
I cried in a way I haven't experienced before.
My heart hurt.
I knew what was happening.
The next day was a little better.
The next, a little better.

We prayed.
People close to us prayed.
I desperately wanted to see a miracle.

On Monday, I started spotting.
Things progressed and I miscarried last Wednesday,
the night before Thanksgiving.


We're okay.
We are feeling at peace about all of this.
We trust in God's plan for our family.
I don't know why He didn't save our baby,
but I do know our little one is in Heaven and we will see him/her one day.


Our friends and family are amazing.

A good friend brought me flowers, treats, and coffee.
She has been my support system, telling me what to expect, and answering all of my questions.
I would have been a total disaster without her.

Another sweet friend brought me a piece of cheesecake, which I did not share,
pizza for dinner, coffee, and chocolate.
She knows how to bring comfort, that's for sure!

My sister-in-law was the perfect distraction when I desperately needed one.
She also brought beautiful flowers.

Someone left a gift certificate on our front door.
If that was you, thank you!!
You have no idea how that lifted my spirits.
Thank you.

Another dear friend brought me a flower on Thanksgiving.
She gave it to me with tears in her eyes.
How sweet it is to have friends who share in joys...and in sorrow.

I only answered one phone call that Friday we found out.
She's my person.
I knew I could answer the phone sobbing and it'd be okay.
She cried with me.

Texts and voicemails from friends and family.
We felt so loved and so covered in prayer.
Thank you.

We didn't tell Alice much.
We knew it was WAY too early to tell her.
She once asked me if the noise inside my belly was a baby.
(That caught me off guard!)
The night I was miscarrying, I was in a LOT of pain.
I went in to kiss her goodnight and she said,
"Mama? You're not feeling good? Your belly hurts?"
When I answered yes, she took her hands, kissed them, rubbed them together,
and put her "kiss lotion" on my belly to help me feel better.
She has a very sweet, intuitive little spirit.

I have close friends and family members hearing about this for the first time.
It's not a fun story to write...and even harder one to tell over the phone.
I hope you understand why I didn't mention it sooner.


I know miscarriages are common.
They aren't the end of the world,
though it feels like it when it's you going through it.
I hate that it happened to us.
I really hate that it's happened to people I love.
I hate that I didn't know how to care for and support those people.
(Now I know.)

But, we believe in a God who redeems crappy situations;
a God who turns ashes into beauty,
mourning into joy,
and despair into praise.
(Isaiah 61:3)
We move forward confident in that.


There's more I want to share about this.
Maybe I will at another time.

This is really long.
Did anyone actually reach the end? :)

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Naps with Daddy

I took this picture yesterday of Ben napping with the baby girl:

I knew it looked familiar and then I found it!

Is it creepy to take pictures of people sleeping?
Probably so.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Another mini-me photo

I love when someone comments on an old picture on Facebook and it resurfaces.

That happened last week with this one,
posted in April 2008...a couple months before Ben and I were married:

That's me with my grandparents' old dog, Red.

I showed Alice and she seemed confused.
I asked who it looked like and she said, "Me!"
When I told her it was her mama, she giggled and said, "That's cute."

This afternoon I offered her a mini marshmallow to try to recreate the picture with Jack. :)
Here's the best I got:

So crazy.

Another with us in the same dress.
And another.

I don't think Alice looks a lot like me now,
but my baby pictures are uncanny!
I know it freaks my mom out a little. :)

Friday, November 16, 2012

Thankfulness, part 3

-I'm thankful for my little work-from-home part-time job.
It's perfect for me and I have the best boss in the world!
(Ben's dad.)
It also funds the following:

-I'm thankful for VillaSport where I get to workout and shower while my kids are well taken care of.
Sometimes I even sit and drink a cup of coffee.
Sometimes I sit in the hot tub.
Sometimes I take classes that kick my behind,
other times I walk on the treadmill and catch up with friends.

-Baby girl slept 8 hours last night!
The NICU nurses all told me she's a great eater,
but doesn't sleep and is fussy most of the day.
I'm thankful she was a different baby once we got her home. 

-My family is awesome.
I could write forever about this one, but I'll try to keep it reasonable.
I was born into a loving and supportive family.
Then, I married into a loving and supportive family.
Double the fun!
3 moms, 3 dads, 6 sisters, 4 brothers, grandparents, great-grandparents...
I am blessed!

-I'm thankful for dark chocolate, red wine, and espresso.
The trifecta of happiness. 

-My little Alice has a huge heart.
She adores these little ones we take care of...
and seems to understand when they return home.
She loves her friends.
Loves Jack.
She's kind and compassionate.
I'm so thankful God gave her to us!

-Our chickens have been total slackers lately.
We used to get 2-3 eggs per day.
We're down to 1 every 1-2 days.
(Only one chicken was laying.)
Then yesterday we got 2!
#3 started laying, again!
I'm thankful I haven't had to buy eggs since February!

-This week had some foster care challenges.
Drama that I won't go into right now.
Regardless, I'm thankful for the calling God placed on our lives to care for these children.
We are forever changed.

-I'm thankful for Hulu,
video monitors,
digital cameras,
and technology in general.
Makes my life easier and keeps my husband employed. :)

-I'm thankful for Fridays and weekends!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Another Thankfulness Post

Hello, again!

Here's the latest installment of Thankfulness:

-The baby girl is doing SO good!
She fits right in to our little family.
She's sleeping and eating like a champ.
8 weeks old now.
I wish I could share more about her little life;
how she is truly a miracle.
Maybe someday.
I'm thankful for each day we get to spend with her!

-Alice is doing awesome, too.
She recently learned how to operate doorknobs,
which is unfortunate.
She makes up songs.
She always has a baby in her arms.
She adores the baby girl and is incredibly sweet to her.
I'm so thankful for the one who made me a mother!

-This past weekend I went on a getaway with some of my favorite people.
It was the perfect trip for me.
No real agenda.
Lots of time in sweats and PJs.
Yummy food.
Tons of laughing.
It did my heart good.

When Ben and I got married and I moved to the Springs,
I was SO lonely.
I had/have the most amazing girlfriends in Boulder
and I missed/miss them like crazy.
God gave me these 7 friends and for that, I am forever thankful!

-I'm thankful for my amazing husband.
There is no one in the world I'd rather be living life with.
He works hard for us.
He prays for us.
He loves us...even when we're cranky.
He scratches my back as I fall asleep.
This past weekend, he held down the fort while I sat on my hiney in the mountains.
(Baby girl was spoiled by an amazing foster family for the weekend.)
He took Alice to Chick-fil-A to eat and play,
to a friend's house for breakfast,
to the park to play followed by hot chocolate,
and out to dinner for pancakes.
Children in our home are blessed to have him as a father.
Thank you, Lord, for giving me Ben!

-I stopped by my friend, Sarah's, house this afternoon.
We met in our Bradley class when we were pregnant with our little girls.
She loaned me warm baby clothes and made me a cup of coffee.
Best cup of coffee I've had in a really long time!
I'm so thankful for her friendship!

-As I write this, my house is messy.
Laundry is piling.
Floors need to be cleaned.
Toys need to be put away.
Our house is very, very lived it.
I say, "I love this house." every single day.
I do. I love it.
It still needs a lot of work, but we love it.
We love making memories here.
I'm incredibly thankful for this home!

I'll stop there for tonight. 
My list is long.
To be continued...

Thursday, November 1, 2012

A month of thankfulness.

Well, hello there, November!
It's nice to see you again!

My Facebook feed is filled with people writing what they're thankful for.
I love it.
But, since I average 1 status update every 2-3 months, 
I'd use up 6 years worth of updates in one month.
No can do.

But, I will try to post here.
It won't happen everyday, that's for sure.

But, today was special.
Today is worth delaying my Hulu watching to write about.


We received a call last Wednesday about a 5 week old baby girl.
Last Friday they chose us to be her foster family!

Baby Girl was in the NICU.
She was weaning off the drugs she was exposed to in utero.
For 6 days I visited her in the hospital.
I've spent hours holding her and praying over her.

Today they called and said she could come home!
I was shocked!
We were told "maybe Friday, more likely Monday".

We couldn't wait to get her out of there.
The NICU nurses are saints.
They have loved her and cared for her for 6 weeks now.
But, Baby Girl needs a mama; she needs a home.

So, today she went from this:

To this:

And for that I am incredibly thankful!