Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Something I need to share.

This is my journal.
This is my scrapbook.
This is where I document memories...both good and bad.
So, I need to write about this.
Writing this down feels healing.

In short, we lost our tiny baby last week.


On October 16th we found out we were pregnant.
Expected to arrive around June 20th.
We were thrilled!

A month passed and everything seemed normal.
We were busy caring for our foster baby and parenting a feisty toddler.

On Friday, November 16th we went to our first midwife appointment.
I was 9 weeks pregnant.
We were planning to tell Ben's family that night at dinner.
During the ultrasound, my midwife seemed quiet.
She asked if I could've been wrong on my dates.
The baby measured at 6 weeks.
Though there was a heartbeat, our baby wasn't growing.

We brain stormed for a few minutes on dates...
how it could be possible to be 3 weeks off.
It was all a stretch. 

We made an appointment for the following Friday,
hoping we'd see growth.

I came home and grieved.
I cried in a way I haven't experienced before.
My heart hurt.
I knew what was happening.
The next day was a little better.
The next, a little better.

We prayed.
People close to us prayed.
I desperately wanted to see a miracle.

On Monday, I started spotting.
Things progressed and I miscarried last Wednesday,
the night before Thanksgiving.


We're okay.
We are feeling at peace about all of this.
We trust in God's plan for our family.
I don't know why He didn't save our baby,
but I do know our little one is in Heaven and we will see him/her one day.


Our friends and family are amazing.

A good friend brought me flowers, treats, and coffee.
She has been my support system, telling me what to expect, and answering all of my questions.
I would have been a total disaster without her.

Another sweet friend brought me a piece of cheesecake, which I did not share,
pizza for dinner, coffee, and chocolate.
She knows how to bring comfort, that's for sure!

My sister-in-law was the perfect distraction when I desperately needed one.
She also brought beautiful flowers.

Someone left a gift certificate on our front door.
If that was you, thank you!!
You have no idea how that lifted my spirits.
Thank you.

Another dear friend brought me a flower on Thanksgiving.
She gave it to me with tears in her eyes.
How sweet it is to have friends who share in joys...and in sorrow.

I only answered one phone call that Friday we found out.
She's my person.
I knew I could answer the phone sobbing and it'd be okay.
She cried with me.

Texts and voicemails from friends and family.
We felt so loved and so covered in prayer.
Thank you.

We didn't tell Alice much.
We knew it was WAY too early to tell her.
She once asked me if the noise inside my belly was a baby.
(That caught me off guard!)
The night I was miscarrying, I was in a LOT of pain.
I went in to kiss her goodnight and she said,
"Mama? You're not feeling good? Your belly hurts?"
When I answered yes, she took her hands, kissed them, rubbed them together,
and put her "kiss lotion" on my belly to help me feel better.
She has a very sweet, intuitive little spirit.

I have close friends and family members hearing about this for the first time.
It's not a fun story to write...and even harder one to tell over the phone.
I hope you understand why I didn't mention it sooner.


I know miscarriages are common.
They aren't the end of the world,
though it feels like it when it's you going through it.
I hate that it happened to us.
I really hate that it's happened to people I love.
I hate that I didn't know how to care for and support those people.
(Now I know.)

But, we believe in a God who redeems crappy situations;
a God who turns ashes into beauty,
mourning into joy,
and despair into praise.
(Isaiah 61:3)
We move forward confident in that.


There's more I want to share about this.
Maybe I will at another time.

This is really long.
Did anyone actually reach the end? :)


Miss G said...

Oh Melissa! I hate that this has now happened to two people who I wish I was sharing the joy of being pregnant at the same time with. I told my neighbor who also experienced a miscarriage recently that I feel weird knowing I'm still pregnant. I don't understand the whys of it all but I care. I care what all of this is doing to your hearts and I will pray. I'm sorry.

I am thankful that you have faith. I am thankful that you have such a wonderful support system.

I'm sorry.


Michelle E said...

Melissa. So so sorry. I've been where you are. We lost two little ones before Miss Sophie, and Isaiah 61:3 is a part of that story. Tears in my eyes for you...

Carey said...

Yes, we all reached the end...We love you MB, love you a lot.

Kelly said...

So, so very sorry. I wish I had more comforting words xoxo

Ashley said...

My heart is breaking for you. I know how badly you want another little one of your own. I'll be thinking of you.

Lindsey Jo said...

so so sorry that you're going through this. thanks for sharing your story. you're an encouragement.

Rachel said...

Melissa- I have been through this as well. Please let me know if you want to talk. I'm glad you have the babies to keep you busy. It's very helpful. Thinking about you!

Noodles said...

Oh Melissa...I am so sorry. I've been praying for you guys a lot. Even though we dont really know eachother I always think of you guys. <3

Laura said...

I'm so so sorry. I wish you weren't going through this right now. I will be praying for your sweet family.

My mom had three miscarriages, each of which was followed by a healthy pregnancy. She always says how neat it is, that without those losses, she wouldn't have the children she does, who she can't imagine living without. So even though it's sad right now, I know God is working in this. :)

Brad & Rachel said...

Melissa, I don't know the right words to send comfort. Just know I'm praying for you.

Mandy said...

so sad for you, but amazed at the way God is leading you through it. you are able to share such encouraging words...that's remarkable.

lindsayw4 said...

So, so sorry Melissa.

Katie K. said...

Of course we made it til the end. Like Carey said we lov for anything

Charlee said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Praying for you sweet friend.

Melissa said...

So sorry, Melissa. I will pray for your continued healing.

Shannon... said...

We did. And we are sending hugs. May the Lord wrap your hearts in his loving embrace and heal the pain.

The Moffats said...

So sorry to hear this news, Melissa :( We are lifting you and Ben in prayer.

Melissa said...

Thank you all for your kind words.
I really, really appreciate it!

Laura said...

So sorry for your loss.

adwellingplacewithin said...

Melissa, truly saddened by your loss. Praying for you, Ben and Alice. Thank you for sharing.