This is my journal.
This is my scrapbook.
This is where I document memories...both good and bad.
So, I need to write about this.
Writing this down feels healing.
In short, we lost our tiny baby last week.
On October 16th we found out we were pregnant.
Expected to arrive around June 20th.
We were thrilled!
A month passed and everything seemed normal.
We were busy caring for our foster baby and parenting a feisty toddler.
On Friday, November 16th we went to our first midwife appointment.
I was 9 weeks pregnant.
We were planning to tell Ben's family that night at dinner.
During the ultrasound, my midwife seemed quiet.
She asked if I could've been wrong on my dates.
The baby measured at 6 weeks.
Though there was a heartbeat, our baby wasn't growing.
We brain stormed for a few minutes on dates...
how it could be possible to be 3 weeks off.
It was all a stretch.
We made an appointment for the following Friday,
hoping we'd see growth.
I came home and grieved.
I cried in a way I haven't experienced before.
My heart hurt.
I knew what was happening.
The next day was a little better.
The next, a little better.
People close to us prayed.
I desperately wanted to see a miracle.
On Monday, I started spotting.
Things progressed and I miscarried last Wednesday,
the night before Thanksgiving.
We are feeling at peace about all of this.
We trust in God's plan for our family.
I don't know why He didn't save our baby,
but I do know our little one is in Heaven and we will see him/her one day.
Our friends and family are amazing.
A good friend brought me flowers, treats, and coffee.
She has been my support system, telling me what to expect, and answering all of my questions.
I would have been a total disaster without her.
Another sweet friend brought me a piece of cheesecake, which I did not share,
pizza for dinner, coffee, and chocolate.
She knows how to bring comfort, that's for sure!
My sister-in-law was the perfect distraction when I desperately needed one.
She also brought beautiful flowers.
Someone left a gift certificate on our front door.
If that was you, thank you!!
You have no idea how that lifted my spirits.
Another dear friend brought me a flower on Thanksgiving.
She gave it to me with tears in her eyes.
How sweet it is to have friends who share in joys...and in sorrow.
I only answered one phone call that Friday we found out.
She's my person.
I knew I could answer the phone sobbing and it'd be okay.
She cried with me.
Texts and voicemails from friends and family.
We felt so loved and so covered in prayer.
We didn't tell Alice much.
We knew it was WAY too early to tell her.
She once asked me if the noise inside my belly was a baby.
(That caught me off guard!)
The night I was miscarrying, I was in a LOT of pain.
I went in to kiss her goodnight and she said,
"Mama? You're not feeling good? Your belly hurts?"
When I answered yes, she took her hands, kissed them, rubbed them together,
and put her "kiss lotion" on my belly to help me feel better.
She has a very sweet, intuitive little spirit.
I have close friends and family members hearing about this for the first time.
It's not a fun story to write...and even harder one to tell over the phone.
I hope you understand why I didn't mention it sooner.
I know miscarriages are common.
They aren't the end of the world,
though it feels like it when it's you going through it.
I hate that it happened to us.
I really hate that it's happened to people I love.
I hate that I didn't know how to care for and support those people.
(Now I know.)
But, we believe in a God who redeems crappy situations;
a God who turns ashes into beauty,
mourning into joy,
and despair into praise.
We move forward confident in that.
There's more I want to share about this.
Maybe I will at another time.
This is really long.
Did anyone actually reach the end? :)